1. Counseling for me and them, separately. For my PDA autistic daughter, counseling still feels like too much of a demand for her, which causes extreme anxiety and defeats the purpose, so currently, she’s not participating and I won’t force her. I hope that changes but in the meantime, my oldest daughter has definitely benefitted from counseling. She likes being able to vent to someone who she knows won’t judge, tell her what to do or tell me what she said and I’m supportive of that. It has helped her tremendously but finding the right therapist was the key. For my part, I wanted to work on healing my own trauma so that I could be a better parent for my girls and I’ve come a long way, though I never want to stop learning and growing. I’m ALWAYS down for that!

2. Apologize when I know I’ve made a mistake. That’s one thing I swore I’d do from day one and I’ve stuck to it. This lets my kids know that it’s ok to make mistakes and that owning them is a GOOD thing. I never want to send the message that I am perfect because that mentality would make them feel incapable of living up to my standards and they would resent me eventually.

3. Make sure I have one-on-one time with each of them separately. Sometimes this looks like mommy/daughter dates or weekend trips but most often it’s spending 10-20 minutes with them at bedtime just chatting about that day or snuggling a while before they go to sleep.

4. Gotten to know their friends and let them get to know me. I love being involved and knowing what’s going on and I think they love it too.

5. Learned how to pick my battles. There are many things I WANT to control out of fear but realize I can compromise on and then there are other issues that are non-negotiable. I know that when my kids feel overly-controlled and strangled by rules, they lie more and become rebellious for the sake of rebelling. I know that my kids NEED some freedom to make some of their own choices that make them feel empowered and less likely to lie and deceive.

6. Learned to control my emotions/responses better when I’ve learned of something they’ve done that upsets me. This is and will always be the toughest one for me but I’m much better that I used to be! I don’t want my kids to fear me. I want them to RESPECT me and those are two different things. I want my kids to want to talk through things with me know that their mistakes are not the end of the world but they can’t do that if they live in fear of me. The goal is to help them grow, not to make them ashamed.

7. Let them spontaneously talk when they’re inspired to do that, without judgement or giving unsolicited advice. This has also been TOUGH for me in the past! I want so badly to guide them and help make good choices or to fix things but most of the time, they don’t want that. They just want me to listen and offer comfort. That, in itself is healing to them. I have to constantly remind myself of this one!

None of these things mean that we always get along or that things are all sunshine and rainbows but I can tell you for certain that we are closer, more trusting of each other and have more of the good times that we all treasure so much!